Blog Post I Love

10 Things I want to Tell My Kids Before They're Too Cool To Listen
Kate Bartolotta

I came across this blog post today and really fell in love with it. Not only do I find all the items so important to tell  your kids, but honestly, I related to them now as an adult. Thought you would all love this read.

This week, my daughter turns 10, and two things occurred to me about this:

• How the hell do I have a 10-year-old? Is a real adult going to show up and help out with this sometime soon?

• There are so many things I want to tell her -- now, before she is in the onslaught of middle school and too cool to listen.

So, here are 10 things I'd like to tell her and her younger brother, before I suddenly go from Mommy, who knows everything, to Mom, who couldn't possibly understand.

1. “Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.”

I truly believe what John Lennon said with all my heart. We've had some tough times, and you'll have a lot of tough times on your own--but it's worth it. It builds character and teaches you compassion. I can trace some of the best stuff in my life right now to things that were really hard when I was going through them. So when things seem like they are impossible, or you're never going to feel better, just know you'll eventually look back at them in amazement. It's going to be okay.

2. The whole drugs and alcohol thing isn't really about drugs and alcohol.

You're going to try stuff; I'm okay with that. Most of us do, whether it's bumming a cigarette from a friend you think is cooler than you, getting drunk at a party or smoking pot because it feels like everyone else but you has. But here's the thing: all of that stuff is just another way not to be present. Being present, being aware of what's actually happening is pretty awesome. And when you try and push away those feelings of being uncool with alcohol or drugs (or food, or shopping, or anything) they don't really go away. Eventually you're going to have to deal with them, and life gets exponentially better when you do. (And on a side note, if things get out of hand and aren't sure what to do, call me. And if you're too embarrassed to call me, call your uncle Charles.)

3. Figure out what you love and own it completely.
If you spend your life trying to define yourself by what someone else loves, you're going to be miserable. Try things, try everything. See what makes you hear music inside and what makes your heart swell and then go do it. Find out everything you can about it. Find other people who love it too. If you waste time pretending to like something because other people you think are cool like it, you're going to end up with the wrong people in your life. Love what you love and be yourself. You end up with people who genuinely fit that way.

4. Don't be afraid to make mistakes.

I always loved the Neil Gaiman quote:

"If you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world."

We can't make anything valuable without making mistakes. Not a painting, not a relationship, not a career -- not a life. If you wait until you have it all figured out to try, you will be waiting forever. I still don't have it all figured out, but I keep at it. The mistakes aren't failures; they're how we learn.

5. You deserve respect.
You deserve it from me, from your dad, your friends, your teachers -- from everyone in your life. The best way to receive respect from others is to begin by respecting yourself. Speak clearly and keep your head up. Stand up for what you believe. Make choices that you feel good about. And if someone in your life is being disrespectful‚ call them on it. If it doesn't change, limit the amount of time and influence they have in your life. We need people in our lives who challenge us and disagree with us, so we can learn new perspectives. We don't need to be constantly torn down by people who don't respect us.

6. The first person who catches your eye isn't "The One."

And probably not the second, third or fourth either. You know why? It's because youare the one. Love isn't something out there somewhere that someone else can give to you. It's already inside you. It's that golden part of each of us that makes us alive. And some of the best moments in life are when we truly connect with someone else and share the love we have inside with them. But don't ever forget to love yourself, first. When you start by loving and respecting yourself, it makes giving that to other people infinitely better. You're going to meet so many amazing people in your life, and I hope that at least once you meet someone to share that love with and truly find partnership. Before you do, fall in love with your own life, because no one else can do that for you.

7. Romance is great and it isn't the same thing as love.
Sex with someone you love is a wonderful thing. It also isn't the only thing. You're going to have first kisses you feel all the way down to your toes and think "OMG, I love him," but really... you loved the kiss. You are going to see someone and feel something that feels like movie love, but is actually just phenomenal chemistry. You are going to explore this part of your life with people who aren't in it for the long haul -- and that isn't a bad thing. Life is a series of stories and the way our stories intersect is fascinating. Sometimes people are in our lives for the whole story. Sometimes they are just a chapter. It takes a brave person to know when that chapter is over and let go gracefully.

8. Kindness is always an appropriate response.

When you get to be an adult, you'll forget a lot of the stuff that seemed so important in high school and college. You won't remember what your GPA was. You will look at your old classmates on Facebook and wonder why you ever had a crush on that guy. You will look at your old yearbooks and wonder what the hell you were thinking with that haircut. But you will never forget the people who were genuinely kind, who helped when you were hurt, who loved you, even when you felt unlovable. Be that person to your friends.

9. I don't have all the answers, but I'm always here to listen.
Right now, you guys think I have all the answers. I know that time is going to come to a close pretty quickly here, but in a way, I'm glad. One of the greatest gifts my parents gave me wasn't their wisdom, but setting the example that adults aren't static: they keep growing. They keep learning. When they find one way doesn't work, they get up and try another one. Real maturity is letting go of what doesn't work and being open to try something else. You're going to make your own mistakes and find your own answers, and while you're sorting it out, I am always here to listen.

10. It's never too late to live a life that makes you proud.

If you don't learn anything else from me, learn that. We get one shot at this. There's no age limit on changing your course, and to settle in and be stuck in a life that isn't authentic is a tragic waste. F. Scott Fitzgerald said it best:

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.

I love you. Go make brilliant mistakes and fall in love with your life.

Before You Were Mommies

I am in love with this article... Peggy shared it with me today and I just had to post it on here, to never forget it. It is the same thing I have always told Stephen, especially now that we are expecting. On those days that you think I am crazed and have forgotten about you, always know that you are mine and you come first. I love you with all my heart! I think this is an amazing reminder for all moms. New, seasoned pro and mommies to be.

Article: To Wives: Before You Were Mommy
Source: SisserTail Silk Blog

When we found out that we were pregnant with my son (now 4), my husband and I became one of those “new parent” couples. We researched together, shopped together and made every choice surrounding the arrival of our new baby together. I’m talking right on down to the discussion of which wipes would represent the Thompson household. We went with pampers if you were wondering. If there was an amazing-race-like-show that somehow incorporated preparing for a new baby, we would have been all over that. We were a team.

To greater prepare ourselves for baby boy’s arrival, we even took one of those courses for new parents offered by the hospital.

The class and the instructor couldn’t have met our expectations any more perfectly. The sweet gal who led the class was spritely, informative and gave entirely too detailed descriptions of her own deliveries. (Say that three times fast.) After learning everything from diaper changes to natural labor techniques, our 8 week course ended with a certificate and a tour of labor and delivery. We were prepared to become parents. We had the copied paper and our names written in sharpie to prove it.

But what wasn’t covered in that course, what would have been infinitely more valuable than any one bit of information we received in those few weeks, would have been the offering of a few simple words.

If only our instructor had sat us down and said, “Ladies, before you were Mommy, you were his. Men, before you were Daddy, you were hers. Remember this. Hold on to this. Keep these words precious to you.”

I wouldn’t have understood her. I might not have even understood her a few months later. But four years down the road, I would replay those words over and over in my heart, and I would know exactly what she had meant.

So if I could teach that class, if I could go back and instruct the bright faced greatly pregnant women and their overly eager husbands, I would say this,

Ladies, there will come a day when your husband walks in the door and you do not turn around. You will be preoccupied with filling up sippy cups and wiping booties. You will shout over the running bath water, “Hey! Glad you’re home.” But it won’t mean what it used to mean. It won’t be full of eager anticipation to spend time together. It will be full of expectations to aid in the demands of the family. “Glad you’re home,” will more properly translate, “Thank God for two extra hands to help me.” And “Praise the Lord I might get five minutes alone.”

Ladies, there will come a day when you spend every last ounce of yourselves on your children. The demands of life and the babies will come before any other priority. What little of yourself you have left at the end of the day will be used to crawl into bed before someone is awake to need you again. The thought of doing anything else after the children are asleep will sound impossible and your handsome husband’s happy smile had better mean he is willing to get up with the baby and nothing more. 

The husband that once completed your heart will be just one more person who needs you. The charming things that you fell for will go unnoticed. The daily grind will become expected.

Men, there will come a time when that beautiful bride sitting next to you hasn’t showered in days. She will be at her wit’s end wearing other people’s food and poop on her clothing. She will need to hear that she is beautiful, but she won’t listen to you. She will need to know that she is still lovable, but she won’t want you near her. When you arrive home after meeting the demands of work, you will be expected to meet the demands of your family. Your wife will hear none of your exhaustion, and you will see none of hers.

Men, you will call home to ask a quick question and anticipate a two-minute conversation. Half of it will be spent listening to your wife talk to your kids. As a matter of fact, you will make it no more than a few sentences in to any conversation ever before your wife spurts out direction to your children.“Don’t climb that!” or “Don’t sit on your sister!” You will become accustomed to these outbursts, but you will forget that there was ever a time when you had her full attention.

But Ladies, when Mommy becomes your name, remember this man. Remember that you are his wife. Remember how much you love and appreciate him in this moment. Remember his dedication to your family. Remember his love and devotion to you. And then, when the days are long and you need a break, fall into his arms.

Men, remember your bride. The care and love that she has given you will soon be spilled over to your children. Her love for you will not change. Give her the grace to be enough even when she doesn’t feel like it. Remember when your days are long, hers are too. Remember her. Fall in love with her again.

Remember each other. Remember the two that made the family. Let the Lord lead you both together. Because when the days are endless and the hours short, it will only be His love who keeps you together. It will only be His mercy that gently guides your hearts as one. Hold tightly to one another, and even more tightly to the Lord. There is no greater adventure for you to experience and no greater gift than to walk through parenthood with your best friend.  You are a team. Every single day.

When they had heard these words, perhaps then, I would offer a certificate. Something that they could hold in their hands to remember that they were prepared.

So, to my friends, a reminder. Something for you to hold onto. A cue to look into the aged eyes of the one you love and see the one for whom your heart fell. May our words be sweet. May our hearts be received. And may we remember the love of our youth.